Anyone that can prop themselves up next to a computer and can formulate an opinion has an entertainment website. And of that anyone, most wait until the end of summer to give out awards for the summer movies. Not I!

In the spirit of being above the average, I’ve devised a new tradition to break next year . . . The (Mid-Summer) Summer Movie Awards! Also, since I think boring awards like “Best Actor” and “Best Movie” are more than covered by that aforementioned “Anyone,” I’ve opted to make my own awards!

Best Appearance by an Actor In a Comic Book Movie, Playing Character Based on Himself

Sam Jackson as Nick Fury in Iron Man

When Marvel rebooted the Nick Fury character in their ‘Ultimate’ universe, they based him on Samuel L. Jackson. So who better to play him in a movie? Even if for only 30 seconds, and after the credits. We all stayed till after the credits for Iron Man, right? Who could forget lines like “You think you’re the only super hero in the world?” and “I need to talk to you about the Avenger Mission”? I want to know about the Avenger Mission!

I hope Marvel continues the trend of crossing characters in their movies. It adds moments where comic book trivia buffs can snicker with glee, while normal people (or normies as I like to call them) just look on in confusion and ask things like “What is S.H.I.E.L.D?” and “What is the Avenger Mission?” There are just some things normies are not meant to understand.

Best Franchise Sequel that Shouldn’t Have Been Made

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I’ve covered this one. Like how I plug a past post in this post? Sneaky huh? Anyway, as Mark pointed out in my previous post’s comments, Mutt’s “George of the Jungle” moment was about the point where everyone in the audience wanted their suspension of disbelief promptly returned. I’ve been informed that the novelization, which I assume is based off an early draft of the script, omits some of the most hated moments in the film. Namely the oft mentioned UFO fly away, that was evidently added to be a visual grand finale to the movie. Gee Lucas, you shouldn’t have, really . . . no seriously, why did you do that? This just supports my theory that Spielberg and Lucas just love randomly placing Scifi special effects where they don’t belong! :: steps off soapbox ::

Best Adaptation of “What’s wrong with this picture?”

The Strangers

Anyone who’s been on the Internet for more than 5 minutes has played the “What’s wrong with this picture?” game. Go ahead and try to find it online. Be sure your sound is on (sucker). For those that don’t do everything you read on blogs, here’s a major spoiler for WWWTP: what’s wrong is an effing scary face appears and a loud scream blares out of your speakers about 30 seconds in to staring at it! Fun huh?

Now take that formula of ’silence . . . silence . . . LOUD! W/SCARY IMAGE’ and that’s the formula for scares one encounters in The Strangers! Effective? Totally. Cheap? definitely. Worth it? Up to personal opinion. Since I have a fear of people standing outside my bedroom window without my knowledge, a scene in the movie really got me, like level 10 got me. This film also introduces the notion of someone being right behind you with an ax, but disappearing right before you turn around to look. Wow, thanks for that movie!

Best Pixar Movie with Grating Robot Voices

WALL•E

I know, everyone and their neighbor named Steve is looking forward to this one, but aren’t those robot voices starting to get annoying? Seriously, it’s getting to the point where it is easier to shove random sharp objects into my ears than listen to the title character say his name. Is this a new form of torture, ready to be used? Imagine:

“Sargent, the guy won’t talk!”

“Alright bring in the WALL•E robot”

“. . . Sarge? Are you sure?”

“It’s the only way”

[Later . . .]

“WALL•E! WALL•E! WALL•E!”

“My ears are bleeding! I’ll talk! Make is stop! I’ll TALK!”

Best Mike Myers Movie Nobody Wants to Enjoy, But Will Anyway

Love Guru

The trailer induces a collective “Really?”, and a “I’m not going to want to see that, it’s more of the same!” However, Nobody can deny that the jokes from Austin Powers and Wayne’s World are still funny, even in alternate settings. Surly there have to be some new yucks in this romp. Unfortunately, it’s going to be up against Get Smart for eyeballs, and frankly, probably isn’t going to win (my money is going to Get Smart). If it fails, its makers will just have to remember that Austin Power’s wasn’t a hit until it was released on video. Eventually everyone will see Love Guru and probably enjoy it.

Best “Please Don’t Let This One Suck Too” Award

The Incredible Hulk

The Hulk was the worst modern era comic book movie. It was a perfect storm of bad story, bad CGI, and all around awfulness. Thank goodness they are calling “Do-Overs” on this franchise. Everyone should go into this movie remembering how bad the last one was. There is no possible way it could be that bad. Right? I certainly hope not. The promos haven’t been promising, unfortunately. However, Edward Norton seems to have his heart in this one, so everyone should give this character another shot. Heck, they even threw in a cameo from Tony “Iron Man” Stark! They better get it right this time, or else Hulk will lose his franchise and be reduced to “Smashing” in a supporting role when the Avenger’s movie sees the light of day.

Best (Anticipation for a) Movie

The Dark Knight

This summer is going to go out with a bang, well hopefully. The Internet has been littered for months now with fake sites promoting it. Which, yes, is getting somewhat confusing, and ranking ever lower on my give a crap-o-meter. I kinda wish I didn’t give my number to Ibelieveinharveydent.com. I love taking pointless calls from (000)000-0000.

Christopher “Memento” Nolan better not mess the movie up or he’ll have a lot of angry people hanging outside his house with eggs. A pessimist might think there is a slight chance, albeit small, of this being another mediocre comic book movie, but that person would be kidding them self. This thing is going to print money.

And there it is . . .

I encourage you to come up with your own awards! Have fun with it!